When abuse leaves no bruises: The pain of intimate partner violence

FAITH NEWS SERVICE – Abuse that leaves no external marks, can be just as painful as physical violence, yet it is often overlooked or misunderstood. As someone who has lived through this kind of harm, and now walks alongside others in ministry, I want to encourage churches to continue conversations about more effective responses to intimate partner violence.

The Anglican Church in Australia has made important progress in recent years in addressing domestic and family violence. The 2021 National Anglican Family Violence Research Report revealed that Anglicans experience intimate partner violence with rates at least equal to the general population.

These findings led to the development of the Ten Commitments for Preventing and Responding to Domestic and Family Violence which was an important step in shared responsibility towards protecting and supporting those affected.

The Church’s commitment to prevention, culture change, and improved outcomes, can be further strengthened by listening to relevant professionals, and survivors who carry the lived experience of harm.

More than 25 years ago, I experienced abuse in my first marriage. There were no bruises to witness, but I lived in constant confusion and felt unsafe. Publicly, my husband attended church with me, appearing kind and attentive.

Privately, I was belittled, neglected, and spiritually undermined. He mocked my faith, put me down, and dismissed any concerns I voiced as paranoia. As a result, I questioned my own judgement, especially suspicions of his infidelity.

It was only later that I discovered evidence of the truth that there had been serious betrayals. What increased the harm was not just his unfaithfulness, but his deliberate gaslighting and deception that kept me in the dark and convinced me I was the problem. For me, the impact of this has been painful and long-lasting.

At the time, I was young and lived far away from extended family. I had no language for this kind of abuse. Without outward signs of harm, it was hard to explain to anyone in my church that I needed support.

Now, after many years of healing and a second marriage built on mutual respect and kindness, I am sharing my story because there is still a need for better understanding and support within churches.

Gaslighting, humiliation, intimidation, neglect, and betrayal, are forms of abuse that can be hard to identify in Christian communities because the abuser often appears kind, concerned, generous and spiritually encouraging in public, while behaving in these abusive ways in private.

This dual persona not only confuses the victim but also protects the abuser by preserving a positive public image. It is a form of manipulation designed to control both perception and people. Churches need to learn to recognise this dynamic.

In recent years, as a counsellor, court chaplain and longtime church member, I’ve seen how easy it is to misread these dynamics. As a result, victims in church communities can be told to forgive quickly, reconcile prematurely, or simply pray harder, while the abusive behaviour remains unchallenged.

When Christian concepts like submission, forgiveness or reconciliation are applied without wisdom, they can cause further harm. Churches that emphasise grace and second chances at the expense of truth, may miss seeing the difference between real and performative repentance. In a desire to preserve unity or avoid conflict, some leaders might encourage relationship reconciliation too early. This can place victims at risk of further harm.

True pastoral care needs courage as well as compassion. It should involve protecting people before defending and listening wisely before offering advice. Most importantly, it will seek truth and prioritise safety above appearances.

In considering what resources could be helpful for churches, I wrote the novel Restoring Hope. It is a story that draws on real experiences, including my own, to demonstrate the challenges of recovering from abuse and to model supportive trauma-informed pastoral care in a church community.

The story follows Hope, a survivor who begins to heal after years of hidden abuse. She meets Pastor Tom, a church leader who does not dismiss her pain or make any assumptions. He listens, he protects, and he responds with pastoral courage. Tom stands in contrast to those who might focus on grace at the expense of truth. He names sin, defends the vulnerable, and leads with humility and strength.

The novel is not intended to tell one story, but to open the door to understanding many people’s experiences. It invites churches to ask difficult questions, to wrestle with what true repentance looks like, and to imagine what faithful, trauma-informed pastoral care might be.

Trauma-informed ministry doesn’t mean ignoring grace or justice. It involves leading with wisdom, ensuring safety and compassion, while pursuing truth.

Some important practical steps for churches are:

• Training clergy and lay leaders to recognise less visible forms of abuse

• Reviewing how forgiveness and repentance are taught

• Partnering with counsellors, legal advocates and police when appropriate

• Offering gender-specific support groups for trauma recovery

• Placing people above reputations in our church responses

Repentance shouldn’t ever be assumed. It needs to be demonstrated over time, through humility, accountability, and consistent behaviour change.

Our response to abuse needs to be more than just following safe ministry procedures. We need to reflect Christ himself. This involves being willing to protect His flock and care for those who are hurting.

May our churches become places where wounds are seen and healed, where truth is sought, and where hope is restored.

If you or someone you love needs confidential information, counselling or support contact 1800 RESPECT. In an emergency please phone 000 (in Australia) or 911 to reach ambulance services or police. 

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This article was first published in The Melbourne Anglican. Philippa Cleall is a counsellor, court chaplain, and has been a member of Anglican Churches for over 30 years. She is the author of Restoring Hope  (Ark House Press, 2025) and has developed free discussion guides to help churches recognise and respond to relational abuse. These are available at www.philippacleall.com.