From Self-harm and Anorexia to Life and Music: A Christian Pianist’s Extraordinary Comeback Story

FAITH NEWS SERVICE – From self-harm and anorexia to life and music.

Four years ago she was in end-stage anorexia caught in a relentless merry-go-round of self-harm, starvation and psychiatric hospitalisations. Earlier this month, she captivated judges Andrea Lam and Guy Sebastien, declaring her “..the best pianist we have heard…” after her virtuosic performance of Ravel’s Jeux d’Eau on ABC’s acclaimed documentary series, The Piano.

Alys, a mum, wife and carer living in Ringwood, Melbourne has a story that will bring hope and healing to anyone finding themselves in a place of darkness and despair.

Talent-scouted as a gifted musician at the age of 9, Alys won scholarships at two of the most prestigious music schools in Britain.

But it was not the dream that might have been. At just 14, overwhelmed by the intense and competitive pressure of that environment, she experienced a devastating breakdown that sparked a 30-year-long struggle with severe and enduring anorexia, complex PTSD, self-harm, and a host of other mental health challenges.

“It was very painful. I had placed all my hopes on becoming a concert pianist as a child, and I had a real chance. But I struggled being at boarding school and I slowly fell apart under the pressure.

“Initially I started skipping meals to get more practice in. But it quickly morphed into a means of numbing my emotions and calming the constant performance anxiety I experienced. I had unleashed a monster that I couldn’t stop. I plummeted to a dangerously low body weight and had to be sent home, all concerts and competitions cancelled. I saw my dreams come crashing down – at the very point I was pipped to win everything.”

Alys did not play the piano again for 30 years. “It was too painful to even look at a piano, or listen to piano music of any kind. I thought I had lost the gift, I had failed, and the grief of that was immense.”

She would spend the next three decades of her life cycling in and out of psychiatric care, getting progressively sicker.

“Treatment was, on one level a lifeline – it kept me alive when I couldn’t keep myself alive. The dedication of the doctors and nurses that worked tirelessly to try and help me was incredible. But ultimately, it was never enough to break the prison I was stuck in. In many ways I was the perfect patient – complying with most of what was asked, trying my best to engage with the therapies offered. But always I would come home and relapse. And as time went on, those relapses got worse and worse.”

By the time she hit 43, anorexia had collided with severe self-harm and Alys, with her family in tatters, had hit rock bottom.

“I was at my lowest weight ever facing another unsuccessful hospitalisation. I was sitting on the floor of my ex’s house, completely defeated. I wanted desperately to get well for my son, but I couldn’t – no matter how hard I tried. I had blown apart my marriage and lost the family I loved, all because of my illness.”

It was at that point of utter despair that Alys had what she describes as “a spiritual encounter”.

“I needed something, or someone, bigger than myself to help me turn my situation around. And I knew that no human power could do that. It was in that incredibly dark place that I became aware of a Person whom I call `The Shepherd’ in my book. It was Jesus. He was right beside me, embracing me, weeping for me. So gentle, so kind. No judgement. Just unconditional love.”

She pauses to reflect on that pivotal moment.

“He picked me up off the floor and literally loved me back to life. He helped me eat again. He brought my family back together again. And, 12 months ago, He helped me begin to play again.”

It is this `Love’ encounter that is the subject of Alys’ recently published book, Love Bade Me Eat. More than a memoir of illness and recovery, Love Bade Me Eat reveals the profound, life-giving conversations between Alys and her Saviour that made transformation possible. Delivered as a compelling and moving Love story between Alys and her Saviour, the book is also deeply practical, tackling with brave honesty topics such as body image, self harm, perfectionism, OCD, boundaries, identity, suicidality, self-hatred, trauma, and many more.

This is a book that will speak profoundly not only to those suffering with eating disorders and chronic mental health illness, but anyone desiring a more intimate and transformational relationship with Jesus.

“My journey has been a messy one… Eating disorders are a layer cake – they are so much more than isolated issues such as body image or weight. For me to recover, I needed healing for a whole heap of difficulties – PTSD, self-hatred, boundaries, OCD, perfectionism, identity confusion, self-harm… and much more. The One I write about touched each of these layers with the healing words He spoke to me. And He still does this for me when they resurface. He showed me a gentler path than the treatment I had tried so hard, and failed, at.”

The path seems to have paid off.

After decades of repeated, lengthy psychiatric hospitalisations, Alys has not had an admission for three years. Her physical health is dramatically improved and she has been free from self-harm episodes throughout that time.

“I am an ongoing work in progress – I think I always will be … I still struggle and some weeks can be harder than others. But life is very different now. My entire internal wiring has been changed. I want to live. I want to be healthy. I have energy. My capacity to dream is back. My family is together again. And – I never thought it would happen – I even got my piano back. I am so grateful for these things – it makes me cry to think about it.”

She pauses for a moment, then adds, “And I’m discovering that learning to walk loved by Him and dependent on Him, however weak I am, is of far greater importance in His eyes, than a perfect recovery. It’s a very freeing thing to know that – that love is what matters, above everything else. I hope others can be encouraged by that truth too.”

Alys’ book, Love Bade Me Eat, published by Ark House, is available in paperback and Kindle edition on Amazon. Her appearance on The Piano, episode 5, is available for viewing on Australia’s ABC iview.